Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Carcass Week: Symphonies of Sickness

We're back for the second day of Carcass Week! Yesterday we looked at Reek of Putrefaction, and today we'll be looking at Carcass' sophomore album, Symphonies of Sickness.

Symphonies takes massive steps forwards from where Reek left off, mainly in the production aspect, but musically it's still a big honkin' slice of goregrind. I went over what goregrind is exactly yesterday, so I won't cover it again here. Let's dive straight into the album!

Again, the censored version. Again, the uncensored is both  gross and NSFW. Here it is.

This review will be pretty short, because as far as the music is concerned, it's pretty similar in flavour and texture as Reek. It's frantic, brutal grind with absolutely addictive riffing courtesy or Bill Steer. Steer handles the lead work yet again, and his playing has evolved since the last album, as he delivers aggressive but melodic solos and passages over the rest of the chaos. It's another step closer to his legendary style of guitar playing that is shown on my favorite Carcass record, Heartwork. Also, keep in mind, those of you who haven't brushed up on your heavy metal history, that Michael Amott (of Arch Enemy fame) had not yet joined the band.

Everything else is an evolved version of Reek here, too. The drums are more tasteful, and the blast beats are actually in time(!), while Steer's vocals sound gurglier than ever and Walker's rasp is more focused and powerful. Songwriting is much better this time around as well, showing us that the boys know when to let loose with everything they've got and when to slow down and breathe.

The biggest difference between Symphonies and Reek, as I mentioned, are the production values. Like, holy shit. They're still not fantastic, mind you, but the album actually sounds like it was recorded in 1989 and not the stone age. The mixing is much better too drums are pushed higher in the mix, giving them the attention they deserve, and similar to their first album, the bass is turned up high, just the way I like it. This time around, everything fits together well and nothing gets drowned out or overpowered by anything else.

On a Playlist With: General Surgery, Exhumed, Haemorrhage

Overall Score


As far as old school goregrind and grindcore are concerned, Symphonies of Sickness is an enduring classic and deserves respect. I've gotten more into grind after listening to this year's new Napalm Death album, so I can definitely appreciate Reek and Symphonies much more now than when I first heard them. However, my ears still aren't 100% grind proof, and after every time I go through this album I've got to switch to something a little easier on the ears. 

For anyone who is into grind and hasn't yet listened to this (for whatever reason), you should give Symphonies of Sickness a listen. If you're not into grind, you probably won't like this album overall, but it'll probably have its moments for you. Symphonies is the last true grind release by the mighty Carcass, but it serves as a perfect template for their next album to expand upon. More on that tomorrow.

Carcass: Purulent Bile Excrement and Consumption 2: Consume Harder

That's Carcass: The Drinking Game 2: Drink Harder, for the normal people out there. The game works as so.

  1. Load up Symphonies of Sickness on to your CD player/ record player/ iTunes/ whatever.
  2. Print out copies of the lyrics to all the songs for everyone playing.
  3. Pour yourself a nice tall glass of your favorite drink.
  4. Press play and get blooddrunk.
As the songs play through, have everyone follow through the lyrics. Drink every time:

  • There's a word you don't know the definition of.
  • You think "ew", "gross", "disgusting" or any similar words after reading a disturbing line. If you notice one of your friends isn't drinking to this, that probably means they're a serial killer. I'm just sayin'.
That's it. Let's take a sample game through the song "Cadaveric Incubator Of Endo-parasites". Red are words I don't know, and Yellow are lines I think are disgusting.

"Cadaveric Incubator Of Endo-parasites"

The inset of rigor mortis, ulcerous corruption and decay
Saponified fats lather as soap as you slowly eat yourself away...
Organs savaged by rotten enzymes, rennin and rancorous cysts
A festering abcess immersed in ravenous autolysis...

Breaking down of dead tissue fuels methane gases
A smouldering human compost-heap of self-digested haemorrhage...
Emulsifying carnage, your purpulent torso is mummified
A mortified, marbled feast for drooling parasites...

Your lungs consumed in gore, slime and worm encrusted
Brittle tests eroded in hot, corrosive succus
Adhering to the bone, tissue necrosis a maggot feast
A cadaveric crematorium, gaseous spumescence leaks..

Your rump sustaining hostile organisms
Mould, eggs and larvae
Peptonized spleen, liver and kidneys
A wasting, degenerate slime

Septicaemic mutation
Of rancid meat and writhing life
Psychedelic, pustular platter of gunge
Come and take a bite...

Dormant fungoid growths
On the smarting human host
Come bathe, cleanse and wash
With livor mortis and dry rot......

Lice and ticks...

Flesh matted with hatching spawn
Endo-parasites incubate in the warmth
Mortician's implements to tap and bleed
The swarming insects' seed......

Lice and ticks...
expel bloody sick...

Leathery skin bubbles as blue-bottles hatch
Maggot infestation turns the rotting corpse black...
Slushy bowels move as our friends squirm
Flatulent belches - dry, festered and warm...

Total Drinks: 16

Things are a little heavier here with the ridiculous and potentially made up words. There are 10 tracks (16 with the bonus tracks included), which means 160 to 256 drinks. If you play through Carcass' first two albums, I guarantee you won't be waking up the next day. But you're all mature adults (that's why you're reading a blog post about drinking games for extreme metal albums), so I trust you all to drink responsibly and not die from alcohol poisoning.

That's all for now, folks. Tomorrow: Necroticism: Descanting the Insalubrious!*

*Totally typed that out from memory. Boo yeah.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Carcass Week: Reek of Putrefaction

Welcome to the first day of Carcass Week, where I'm going to be going through and reviewing all of the almighty Carcass' studio albums! First up, their debut: Reek of Putrefaction!

This is the censored artwork. The uncensored is gross. It's also NSFW. You've been warned.  It's here.

Reek of Putrefaction is considered one of the first goregrind albums out there, having been released in 1988. For anyone who is confused by the term goregrind, it's a variation of grindcore. Musically, grindcore and goregrind can be very similar, but it's in the themes and lyrical content where they stand apart. Whereas traditional grindcore dealt with political and social themes of oppression, government control, and anarchy (among others), goregrind covers lovely topics like disembowelment, cannibalism, and necrophilia (among others). For anyone familiar with old school death metal (a la Cannibal Corpse and friends), these themes of grisly, brutal death and dismemberment shouldn't come as a surprise. What Carcass did was look at the groundwork laid out by all these death metal bands and though "let's make these guys' lyrics sound like whatever you would call Sesame Street".

Hard as fuck is what I'd call 'em.

Let's look at a small excerpt from Cannibal Corpse's classic: "Hammer Smashed Face".

The sledge my tool to torture
As it pounds down on your forehead
Eyes bulging from their sockets
With every swing of my mallet

So yeah. Smashing faces. With a hammer. That's pretty fucking brutal, right? It's cute you think that. Let's take a snippet of one of Reek of Putrefaction's songs. I'll choose one of my favorites, "Vomited Anal Tract". You can already tell how this is going to go.

Liquidized esophagus mixes with bloodied excretion
As you pathetically gasp for breath 
The stench of hot feces scorch your nose 
As you violently vomit to death

Yup. Barfing up your butt. Like, puking so hard you pull your body practically inside out. I'll give you a second for the shock of disgust to wear off.

Ready to go? Cool. So now, we're all on the same page about what goregrind is. Let's get to the album.

Reek of Putrefaction, despite being Carcass' first album which pushed the boundaries as to how extreme music, lyrics, and cover art could go, is still seen by many metal fans as their worst album. I have to agree with them. Reek of Putrefaction is goddamn unlistenable.

Production is awful. I mean, I know it was 1988, but I can record Christian Bale's Batman tripping balls on acid and growling into a huge echoing cavern with an 8-track recorder from the 50s and it'll come out clearer and more coherent than this. Everything's got a grainy and raw sound, which, isn't always a good thing. Some bands take advantage of that style of production to drive home the gritty and dirty sound they're going for. That could've worked for Carcass if the level mixing and EQing wasn't awful as well. The bass is loud, which would be nice, but it isn't, because it sounds less like a bass and more like sloppy wet farts. The drums have no clarity, especially when blast beats are involved. When Carcass goes full throttle on Reek, they seem to collapse into a giant mushy ball of sound. It's something they probably realized after releasing the album, because of their 1989 followup, Symphonies of Sickness remedied all the flaws of Reek, but I'll get to that tomorrow.

If you're able to listen past the sloppy production and shitty mixing, Reek of Putrefaction is pretty darn good. There are some catchy riffs here and there, and the lead guitar work of Bill Steer is top notch, as always. After hearing Carcass' later releases like Heartwork and Swansong, I can hear the same style of lead guitar playing, albeit much more viscous on this album. It's kind of cool to listen through a discography and see how band members' playing styles evolve over time.

Bill Steer (left) and Jeff Walker (right). Their faces are about as disgusting as their music.

Something else I've always loved about old school Carcass is the dual vocal attack of Jeff Walker and Bill Steer. Steer handles some brutal, nauseating gurgles and low growls, while Walker screams and shrieks like a madman over top. Oh, grindcore. <3

Bomb-Ass Tracks

Maggot Colony, Vomited Anal Tract, and Splattered Cavities: What can I say. They're all pieces of dirty, filthy goregrind.

On a Playlist With: Exhumed, General Surgery, Haemorrhage

Overall Score


For the modern day Carcass fan, Reek of Putrefaction is more of a you-might-as-well-have-it-in-your-collection piece. There are some diehards out there who swear by it as the end-all of goregrind, but really, let's not kid ourselves. Reek is just the appetizer in this carnal feast. It's not enough to fill you up, but it'll whet your blade and make you want to carve into their next albums with full force.

Carcass: Purulent Bile Excrement and Consumption

That's Carcass: The Drinking Game, for the normal people out there. The game works as so.

  1. Load up Reek of Putrefaction on to your CD player/ record player/ iTunes/ whatever.
  2. Print out copies of the lyrics to all the songs for everyone playing.
  3. Pour yourself a nice tall glass of your favorite drink.
  4. Press play and get blooddrunk.
As the songs play through, have everyone follow through the lyrics. Drink every time:

  • There's a word you don't know the definition of.
  • You think "ew", "gross", "disgusting" or any similar words after reading a disturbing line. If you notice one of your friends isn't drinking to this, that probably means they're a serial killer. I'm just sayin'.
That's it. Let's take a sample game through the song we've already looked at. Red are words I don't know, and Yellow are lines I think are disgusting.

"Vomited Anal Tract"

Oral eruption
Rectal extroversion...

Your vagus implodes, as nausea strikes
Savaging your body in terminal retch
Violent spasms and decaying enzymes
Engulf your throat as you belch

Intestinal disturbance, your ileum turns inside-out
Your duodenum is thrust up towards your mouth
Your pancreas excretes stale septic pus
Your whole digestive system is now a sticky mush
Rectal vomit in your thorax
Retch your anal tract

Liquidized esophagus mixes with bloodied excretion
As you pathetically gasp for breath
The stench of hot feces scorch your nose
As you violently vomit to death

Your intestines are rising, up towards your throat
Stale bile escaping through your bloodied nose
Your colon digested into acidic slush
Your tongue gargling on your dislocated anus

Total drinks: 13.

This one was pretty tame. There are 22 tracks on Reek of Putrefaction. Assuming 13 drinks per song, that's 286 drinks. Have fun. Tomorrow: Symphonies of Sickness!

That's all for now, folks. And remember: Don't drink and dismember!*

*I'm totally coining that phrase. Go me.

Friday, July 27, 2012

New Track: Nightvenom - "They Can Try (But They'll Fight and Die!)"

Another musical project by me. This one is in the vein of old school speed metal. I recorded this last year because I was bored and wanted to give Ross his own Counter Strike: Source theme song. Inspired by awesome 80s theme songs (Top Gun and Transformers come to mind), I set about making a total cheesefest of an 80s metal song.

The project's name is Nightvenom (because it's 80s as fuck), inspired by Ross' screen name and the song title is inspired by the lyrics of a Striker song.

Again, no vocals. (Hint: all of my songs will be instrumental, so don't get your hopes up)

Harmonize ALL the guitars!

Let me know what you guys think!

That's all for now, folks! Bring back 80s speed metal.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Carcass Week: Introduction

I recently rediscovered my undying love for the band Carcass. I've decided to express my infinite devotion to the fathers of goregrind and the pioneers of melodic death metal by reviewing all five of their studio albums. Starting next week, it'll be all Carcass, all the time (for me, anyways).

Starting next Monday, we'll go through one album per day, which makes the schedule:

Monday: Reek of Putrefaction
Tuesday: Symphonies of Sickness
Wednesday: Necroticism - Descanting the Insalubrious
Thursday: Heartwork
Friday: Swansong

I'm also going to include my Carcass Drinking Game (not tested, yet) for you and your friends play, and then I'll give you guys the weekend so you can spend 48 hours straight blasting Carcass and drinking to it. It only makes sense.

So get pumped! (CarcassBroTip: Start getting pumped by making your own jigsaw puzzle!) Starting Monday we'll dawn our surgical scrubs, rev up our chainsaws, and go diving into the viscera splattered world of Carcass!

Story of my life, bro.

That's all for now, folks. Keep on rotting in the free world!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Album Review: Alice In Chains - "Alice In Chains"

Some people love 90s grunge. I am not one of those people. One of my friends requested that I listen to and review Alice In Chains' self-titled third album. I had never really listened to Alice In Chains before, so I was interested. Then I hit play. Ugh. Just my luck. It's goddamned grunge.

Well, not quite.

Alice In Chains don't fall under the same category of grunge I've heard before. They're no Nirvana or Pearl Jam or Stone Temple Pilots. It might just be my inexperience with the genre, but Alice In Chains gave off a bit of a stoner rock vibe to me. This album reminded me heavily of Kyuss circa 1992, but less heavy and without John Garcias' sweet, smokey vocals.

I have to hand it to guitarist Jerry Cantrell, his style of playing stands head and shoulders above other grunge guitarists. His riffs are groovy and dark, chugging and bouncing around with purpose. His lead playing is interesting too, with lots and lots of melodic leads being played pretty much all the way through the album. A lot of the time they're long drawn out notes that hold suspense or provide a dissonant clash against the rhythm playing, and sometimes they're more involved, more technical (well, technical for grunge) passages as well. I have to admit that Cantrell's playing is what I enjoyed most about this album.

The rhythm section is tight too, with Sean Kinney's drums and Mike Inez's bass playing providing a solid backbone to Cantrell's riffing. Although Kinney's chops seem great while listening to the album, once the album closes, I couldn't really remember much of it. In fact, when I try to remember specific points in the album, they come up blurred and distorted. None of the album really stuck with me all that well. Again, that might just be my inexperience with grunge, but I think a testament to great music is that it should stick in your head.

If there's one thing that I did remember after the album, it would be the late Layne Staley's vocals. I'm probably going to catch a lot of flak from this, but here goes nothing. I don't like them. I wouldn't say I hate them, because saying that would chalk Staley's voice up there with JBeibz, Lil' Wayne, and Nikki Minaj, and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve that. Objectively, his vocals are something praise-worthy. He's got a good range and he can convey his emotions perfectly fine. It's just the tone of his voice that sounds like someone taking a belt sander to my ears. The harmonies he takes with Cantrell are even more painful for me. This is all personal taste, don't forget. Maybe you'll love his voice. Give Alice In Chains a listen and determine for yourself how you feel about it.

The last couple things I want to touch on are production and running time. Production is great, keeping all the instruments and vocals well balanced in the mix, and making sure everything sounds nice, thick, and warm without getting too muddy. I've got to say that the running time is lengthy. Very lengthy. Alice In Chains spans just over an hour in length (about 65 minutes), making it one of the longer albums I've listened to in a while (other contenders include Dopesmoker, The Wall, Yellow & Green, and Lateralus). Not many albums can stay enjoyable all the way through when they clock in at over an hour in length. To keep me immersed in it for its entire running time, the music has to get shaken up a bit and go through some changes during the album (except for Dopesmoker, because "sometimes the riff is just so fuckin' good that you just want to hear it over, and over, and over again. Sometimes for 52 minutes."). If Alice In Chains cut out a couple songs and/or trimmed a couple of the 7+ minute long songs and brought everything down to 40 minutes or so, I think I'd have enjoyed Alice In Chains much more. It's tough to sit through almost half an hour's worth of music more once you're tired of a certain band/ genre. Think of me forcing you to listen to Pig Destroyer's Prowler in the Yard immediately after you finished with Carcass' Symphonies of Sickness ( there's a NSFW picture on that page. Unless you work in a slaughterhouse or butcher shop). 

Yeah. You'd get sick of it too.

Bomb-Ass Tracks

Heaven Beside You: This track's main riff gives off a southern rock style sound with the twisty turvy main riff and the deep fried licks over top. And when it hits the swingy half-time of the post-chorus, you can't help but headbang a little.

I know there are usually three songs listed here, but this is really the only one that stood out to me.

On a Playlist With: Pearl Jam, Kyuss, Soundgarden

Overall Score


For me, Alice In Chains wasn't what I would call a bad album, but it's most probably not going to stick with me. I really liked the guitar work and riffing, as well as the big stoner rock feel I got out of the album, but having to listen to Staley's voice for so long kinda killed it for me.

I feel like if you're someone who likes grunge, then this album is a a great piece for your collection. If you aren't into grunge, then I don't think this album will really do anything for you. I can see the appeal, but it's just not for me. I'm going to keep it on my iPod for sure though, and should I feel inspired to listen to it again, maybe I'll make a re-review for it.

That's all for now, folks. Keep rocking those ripped jeans and flannel shirts.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Album Review: Andrew W.K. - "I Get Wet"

Out of the following statements, please choose the one that describes you the best.

A) I like Andrew W.K.

B) I hate fun.

For those of you who chose A, congratulations. For those of you who chose B, it's alright, I'm here to steer you clear of a Squidwardian lifestyle. I'm here to look at Andrew W.K.'s debut album (all the way back from 2001), I Get Wet. For anyone who doesn't know, Andrew W.K. (also known as "that guy who only wears white t-shirts") is a rock singer/ songwriter/ pianist who sings about parties, girls, parties, living big, and parties. He recently turned to motivational speaking, because apparently he can't rest until everybody on the planet is high on life.

It's not blood... it's... uhhh... happiness. Yeah. Happiness...

This review is going to be really short, because there really isn't much you can say about I Get Wet. It's a jack-of-no-trades and a master-of-one. This album's sole purpose for existence is to pump you the fuck up and get get you psyched up to celebrate/ party. I realized I used the word "psyched", but trust me, no frat-bro would be caught dead listening to Andrew W.K.

The album is pretty straightforward. Blaring guitars, thumping bass, and pounding drums form the foundation of I Get Wet, and Andrew himself covers vocal and piano duties. All the songs have just enough melody to get stuck in your head and stay there for a long ass time, but Andrew W.K.'s voice is punky/ shouty enough that you don't have to be drunk to be able to sing along (but it helps, obviously). The songs are upbeat and uptempo, with the piano really driving the "happy" vibe forwards by bombarding you with nonstop major chords, because minor chords sometimes sound sad, and Andrew W.K. just can't have that.


One thing I find kind of cool about I Get Wet is that it can appeal to metalheads and non-metalheads alike. Production gives the instrumentation a nice thick and heavy sound (especially those drums, I mean, like, fuck), making the album easy to party-mosh to. But just the way the instruments are played, with simple, bouncy rhythms and tried-and-true chord progressions makes I Get Wet every bit as dancable as it is moshable.

With all that being said, I have to point out a flaw. Remember how I said it was a "jack-of-no-trades and a master-of-one"? That can also be looked at in a different light. You could easily call I Get Wet a one trick pony. It's something that you play before going out with your friends to hit the town and rip it a new asshole. Other than that, this album seems not to fit many other occasions.

Maybe goat sacrifices fit too. That's Andrew W.K. hanging with Fenriz, by the way.

Bomb-Ass Tracks

Party Hard: Probably his most famous track, once the vocoded "when it's time to party, we will party hard"  drops, you can't help but bang your head (like every other song on the album). Those guitar riffs get stuck in your head like no tomorrow too. Definitely a classic.

Ready to Die: Keyboard intro. In your head. Forever. Also, a great anthemic pump up song (like every other song on the album).

I Get Wet: Just. Fucking. Party (like every other song on the album).

On a Playlist With: Foxy Shazam. That's about it.

Overall Score

4.0 everyday, 5.0 when partying. Duh.

I Get Wet is just recorded happiness. Nothing more than that. Also related to about it only working when partying, a quote from Andrew W.K.'s official Facebook page:

PARTY TIP: There are only three times we should party... 1) When we're happy. 2) When we're sad. 3) Right now.
 So, by that logic, you can listen to this forever. And ever.

That's all for now, folks! Party hard.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

It Hurts So Good: Wild Zero

Highway there Spark it Baby Baby
Tension Suddenly Outer Spacy
There’s a wallet on my ass with a
Rock ‘n’ Roll License

Jet Generation

Barely Barely Bang Bang
Make it Flashy Riding too hard
Go go go next with Jet GO GO GO!

Born in Haneda
Jet Timing always in his head
Weather Forecast don’t mean a thing
Jet order – Bet your life!!

Jet Generation

These are the lyrics to the song "Jet Generation" by the Japanese totally not Ramones rip off band GUITAR WOLF. Why is GUITAR WOLF in all caps and bold text? Because, any band that saves the world from a zombie apocalypse and an alien invasion in the same fucking movie deserves enough of your God damned respect that you have to shout their name every time you say it. GUITAR WOLF are masters of LOCK 'N' LOLL, a genre of punk rock that consists of playing as loud and as fast as possible while screaming a battlecry of Japanese and broken English at your audience. Melody? What is that? Song structure? Get the Hell out of here. Variation? Fuck you. This is GUITAR WOLF, bitch. And they don't fuck around.

"Hold on. Back the fuck up." I hear you say. "GUITAR WOLF were in a movie?"

Yeah. Yeah they were. And it's fucking incredible.

GUITAR WOLF star in the movie Wild Zero, which according to my first year physics professor, is the best movie ever, and has one of the most intense drinking games ever. Considering my physics professor is literally a circus freak, I just had to check this movie out when he recommended it to us.

Wild Zero focuses in on around two main characters and like, nine billion secondary characters.

The mainest of the main characters is Ace, a young greaser who seriously needs to stop thinking it's the 1950s.

Then we have the second main character, the man-God himself: Guitar Wolf.

I want you to take a good, hard look at this picture and admit to yourself that nothing you ever do will be more awesome than this.
This is one of Guitar Wolf's more tame scenes.
Did I not tell you? The three members of GUITAR WOLF are Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf, and Drum Wolf, because fuck names.

Now, I would like to put a plot summary here, and I'm going to try my best, but its really hard because this movie is the least amount of sense you can pack into a 100 minute atom bomb of mind fuckery. It's not even that the whole movie is in Japanese and I couldn't understand what what being said. The whole fucking thing was subtitled. From what I did pick up, it goes something like this:

So there's a bunch of aliens. Like, a bunch of aliens. Just chillin'. Outside Earth. We hear a radio broadcast about some meteorite crashing on out beloved planet, then cut between Ace getting all greaser'd up, combing his hair like, 5 or 6 times in a row, donning his precious leather jacket and the aliens. Still just chillin'. Ace is getting ready for a GUITAR WOLF concert, where GUITAR WOLF play "Jet Generation" and shoot lightning out of their instruments, because fuck you, that's why.


Tight. Shorts.
This guy is the owner of the venue GUITAR WOLF just played at, and he's got three things (other than vomit-inducingly tight shorts). Hookers, blow, and mysterious golden balls. GUITAR WOLF barges into through the door, and manager man congratulates them on a great show. Obviously when you get complimented, your first instinct is to whip out a motherfucking magnum, right?

Damn fucking straight.
They standoff for like, ever, then Ace barges in because, well, he's an idiot. Here's where Guitar Wolf proves how good of a shot he is. Using one bullet, he manages to rip off two of manager man's fingers and kill a dude. Wait, that's not impressive? Oh, I forgot to mention. The dude Guitar Wolf killed was standing behind Guitar Wolf. Ace, after being knocked out gets woken up with Guitar Wolf standing over him cutting both their hands open so he can like, transfuse their blood or something. Then, like any superhero worth their salt, Guitar Wolf leaves a whistle for Ace to blow if ever he needs their help again. We also find out here that Drum/ Bass Wolf (it's really hard to tell who's who when they both never speak and are never introduced by name) is a huge drug addict and steals like, a fuckton of pills. Cool. GUITAR WOLF get out of there whithout giving a fuck that they just murdered an innocent bystander, and Ace scampers off into the city.

I also realize that if I keep describing the movie like this, it'll be faster for you guys to just watch the damn movie. So... yeah. Watch the damn movie. Right here. Seriously. The best 100 minutes of your life await. Grab some friends and watch the shit out of it. I'll wait.

Watched it yet? If yes, good. If not, you better fucking watch it immediately after finishing this post. Or sooner.

For those of you who have watched it, I know what you're thinking. This movie is the best thing. Ever. For those of you who haven't, here's a taste of what you're missing.

Actually a scene.

You fucking know it. Not only is there a drinking game, it's even included in the DVD version of the movie. The director knows how much this movie shits all over logic and reason and was like "Fuck it, let's get everybody drunk. Then maybe they won't realize I was on shrooms when I wrote this."

The rules are that you drink when:
  1. Anyone combs back their hair.
  2. Anyone drinks something.
  3. Fire shoots out of anything (including but not exclusive to cars, bikes, people, and empty space).
  4. Anyone says "Rock 'n' Roll".
  5. Anyone/ anything's head explodes.
Yes, you have to drink more than once if more than one of these things happen simultaneously, which they do. Often. I'm going to warn you. If you're a lightweight like me, do not play with all five rules. Seriously. My friends and I test ran the game and we went through three full tallboys each before the first half hour was up. And the beginning of the movie the easiest part of the game. These games are supposed to get you happily drunk, not get you to be puking your guts out.

This is one of the easy-on-the-liver scenes.
So there's a lazy post about what's probably my favorite awful awesome movie I've seen so far. If this post doesn't convince you to watch it, I swear by my leather jacket and by Rock 'n' Roll that it will change your life.

One more link to it. Here.
That's all for now, folks. LOCK 'N' LOLL!

That's Pretty Rad, Bro: Dust Bowl

As many of you know, I like thrash metal. Like, a lot. I found Dust Bowl while derping around YouTube, and I think they're pretty sweet.

I know, I know, this is another neo-thrash band. Every word in that last sentence links to a video for different neo-thrash band. Yeah. There's a lot of 'em. But thrash is thrash, so as long as it makes me bang my head, it's a winner in my books. But, uhh, yeah. Dust Bowl.

Pretty sweet, right?

That's all for now, folks. Keep thrashing.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Super Sexy Adventure Time With Ross Part1! [Penumbra]

     Hello, today I will be taking our reading through my adventures in the game: Penumbra Overture.
This game was created by the same peeps who made Amnesia: The Dark Descent. I picked up this game because the steam sale is a soulless wizard who likes to steal money. Regardless though, I've found this game to be quite fun and I'm here to share my play though of the first game in this series.

Enjoy! (also this game is first person)

     So the game begins with some bullshit cut scene, done in a slideshow artsy style explaining why it is the main character is going to the antarctic, I think. Checking the wiki: "Penumbra overture follows the story of Philip, a thirty-year-old physicist whose mother recently died. After receiving a mysterious letter from his supposedly dead father, Philip follows a series of clues that lead him to a mysterious location in uninhabited northern green land.", So basically I suck balls at paying attention.

     For the games "tutorial" you end up figuring out how to use the mouse and keyboard in a small room on what I think was a boat. Basically through rummaging around you find some items, figure out how to work your flash light, and you realize that the main character is probably a raging alcoholic. There were like 3 bottles of JD in his room.

     Sure enough, this becomes apparent when you step outside the room into what appears to be a mild snowfall. Your character stumbles around and has blurred vision. I ended up finding a manhole which looked like it was covered with snow. The game insisted that it was ice. Apparently this pussy drunk man can't even clear this "ice" with his hands. So I backtracked and found a rock. Rocks, by-the-way, become your #1 best friend in this game, at least for me. I take the rock and smash it on the manhole, breaking the ice. I hop inside.

     When you finish loading you end up face down in this *seemingly* abandoned mineshaft entrance. In front of me, about 8 feet is a door and to my left at the same distance is another room. You hear some whispers before you start to walk (you hear these a lot). My first instinct, because of Amnesia, was to turn on my flash light as fast as possible and search the surrounding area to make sure I wasn't about to get reamed by a scary monster. Luckily for me, the area was clear, although I heard more whispers in a room to the left of me. I have to add that this entire game is essentially dark as fuck, (if you play on my man-tear settings). I enter that room and find a hammer (your second best friend). Now the door infront of me when I first loaded was apparently blocked, and hitting it with a hammer did not work so I had to think for a second. I then spotted a hole behind a steel bookshelf, it had what looked like weak wood boarding it off, perfect fodder for my new found hammer Charlie (yes, I named it Charlie)

     The problem with this hole in the wall was the fact that there was a giant steel shelf in the way. I thought that there was no way in hell that a man who can't even clear snow can pull around a huge steel shelf. Fuck logic, I ran up-to the shelf and hit mouse1 and he grabbed it. I pulled it a reasonable distance from the hole and climbed in. I ended up past that door I couldn't open and in another section of the mine with a map in front of me.

It was prettier in the game.

     I am located right on-top of  'exit'. My first choice was the office, because it was the closest and had the least chance of spawning something scary :(. In the office I found some notes on explosives, the locations of somethings, and a key to open a chest. In the chest was a manual on how to build a bomb. There was also some random black cylinder that had glowing orange all over it. I clicked it and proceeded to trip out for 10 seconds as my screen turned completely white and once again I heard whispers.

I quickly excited the room and was struck ! ... by intense music, AND, and glimpse of some creature. By instinct once again I tapped crouch and hid behind a box. That's when I was hit by the what-the-fuck that is their hiding system. When you crouch and stay still your screen will glow a bright-ish blue and skew your view to make things a bit larger. So essentially you trip out every-time you crouch. To add to this stupid system if you look the creatures in the eye your guy freaks out even more and can die from tripping balls. When I understood this system I said to myself "fuck this nonsense" I stood up, turned on my flash light and found the closest rock. It's monster hunting time.

What I said after learning about the crouching.

This concludes the end of part 1, more to come in a few days ! :D

Monday, July 16, 2012

It Hurts So Good: Super Mario Bros.

No, this isn't a post about nostalgic video game themed BDSM sex. Sorry guys.

It Hurts So Good is going to be a series of posts talking about movies. Movies that blow. Movies that blow so hard that they make you laugh so much you snort your popcorn back out of your nose. There has always been a spot in my heart for awful, so-bad-they're-good movies, and I think it's high time to spread the love.

WARNING: There will be spoilers. Lots and lots of spoilers. Though some of these movies don't actually have any discernible plot/ story. I don't know if you can have spoilers for something that. Whatever.

First on the docket: Super Mario Bros.

I mean, we might as well start with a classic, right?

So Super Mario Bros. kicks off with some old school SNES style graphics and some half-baked dude telling us that when the asteroid hit Earth and supposedly murdered the dinosaurs a million bajillion years ago, what actually happened was that it created an alternate/ parallel dimension where dinosaurs and reptiles become the dominant life form rather than mammals. These reptiles evolved into humanoids and formed a fully functioning, governed and policed Western-hemisphere-esque society and they can play guitars and harmonicas and drive cars and go parties at night clubs. How, you ask? Motherfucking science, that's how.

After the intro comes the prologue, 'cause movies like this really need to set up all these little details for their incredibly intricate, layered, and multi-dimensional (literally, this time) plotlines.

So some gypsy lady leaves a giant egg at an abbey doorstep, and then gets presumably killed along side a mystery man by being caved in under the streets of Manhattan. Cut to modern times, where the Manhattan streets are a hip-hoppin', poppin', and non-collapsin' place to be. Here we learn that Mario and Luigi are struggling as plumbers because a corporate sleazeball by the name of Anthony Scapelli is taking all their gigs. Also, Luigi is a guido.

GTL: Goomba, Thwomp, Lakitu
Cut a bit further, and Luigi is falling head over heels for a college chick named Daisy. Naturally, this leads to scenes of Luigi bumbling over his words, cracking really awkward smiles and generally acting like that sweaty panting guy you never, ever want to sit next to on the bus who always has his hands under a coat on his lap.

Yup. Luigi hits full on pedo-mode.

Now, either because a) Daisy is a fucking idiot, or b) Daisy is a fucking idiot, Luigi ends up scoring a dinner date with her. This happens to be a double date with his brother Mario. Guess who Mario brings along to the date. Seriously. Guess. You'll never get it.

That's right. There's no God damn Princess Peach in this movie. Mario's girlfriend is some Uptown NYC gal named Bella who looks like a discount hooker (sorry to any actual discount hookers named Bella reading this). In fact, the name Peach isn't even dropped once in the movie.

So more stuff happens which is probably important to the plot, but right now I'm only going to focus on all the stuff that makes me feel like this:

Toad, instead of being a lovable little ball of fun is a homeless, anti-fascist, busking hippie who lands himself in jail.

King Koopa (Bowser, for those of you who aren't hip and with it) looks like the guy who would go door to door trying to sell you discount insurance and knives.

At least the Goombas still look like--

Alright, no more massacring our beloved childhood characters. At least the plot doesn't blow, right guys?


So it turns out that Daisy is some sort of dino princess with a necklace that can merge Manhattan and Dinohattan (icwatudidthar!), and naturally, Koopa wants this necklace so he can fuck shit up and rule over two dimensions. Like a boss.

I also quickly want to point out that Luigi still wants to be with Daisy after he finds out shes part dinosaur. I think that's supposed to be a testament to his true love, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that in addition to being creepy as fuck, he also has a reptile fetish.

I figured it would be appropriate for this picture again.
Back to the story!

Daisy gets captured by Koopa while Mario and Luigi are able to hang onto the necklace. They soon after get mugged by an old lady who almost immediately after gets thrown off of a balcony by a gigantic black woman, who then keeps the necklace herself.

It's funny because you thought I was kidding.

Mario and Luigi get meet up with Toad and they all get thrown in jail. Mario and Luigi because they're plumbers and Toad because he's a dirty hippie.


At the police headquarters I just want to point out something.

"Here at DInohattan PD, you get a gun, a badge, and all the bitches you want."
Yeah. I know. What is this I don't even.

This post is starting to drag, so the rest of the movie goes something like this:

This last picture is of the directors after snorting all the coke needed to make this movie.

And just when you thought it was all over...

Spoiler: Daisy is a Terminator.
Unfortunately (or fortunately if you hate fun), there's no sequel. However, like for every awful movie out there, you've got to ask...


Yes. Don't even think this gem got by without one.

  1. Every time Mario or Luigi refer to each other by name.
  2. Whenever "the rock" is mentioned.
  3. Every forced reference to the Super Mario games.
  4. Every time "the fungus" is on screen.
  5. Whenever Mario and Luigi use their plumbing skills/ their plumbing skills are referenced.
Level of Wastedness: When you wake up the next morning, you'll be dressed like a princess. And in another castle.

I hope all y'all enjoyed this, 'cause I'm planning on making more of these. I've got an ever-expanding library of awful movies I'll be sifting through. Heavyweight titles include:

  • Sharktopus
  • Wild Zero
  • Executive Koala
  • Galaxy of Terror
  • Star Crash
The list goes on and on. If anybody has any awful movies they'd like to recommend, I'd love to hear about them!

That's all for now, folks!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

New Track: Tsunami - End of Days

So I have like, a million one-man musical projects going on now, cause I'm a lazy fuck who can't commit to one genre. My newest attempt at making noise comes in my Stoner/ Doom project: Tsunami.

This is why I'm in an applied science program and not the arts.
The song is currently sans vocals, and that'll get fixed. Eventually. Maybe.


That's all for now, folks. Stay groovy.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Album Review: Baroness - "Yellow & Green"

For anyone who doesn't know who Baroness is (If you don't, please get your shit together here and here. Let this wash over you afterwards as you pick your jaw up off the floor.), they're a sludge metal band turned rock band rising from one of the capitols of sludge, Georgia, USA. Like most bands, they've evolved over time, but instead of taking little steps over the course of an entire career, Baroness didn't fuck around with trying to expand and push their sound with every album.

Their first full length release Red Album was pure Southern sludge metal, blasting your ears off with John Baizley's caveman vocals and raw, in-your-face production. Their next album, Blue Record went for a more progressive metal oriented sound, cleaning up some of the sludge and bringing in boatloads of melody and harmonization. Now we have their newest release, the double album titled Yellow & Green.

Above: Proof that doing lots and lots of drugs is a good thing, kids.
Yellow & Green sees Baroness pulling further away from the sludge sound and delving into psychedelic rock and prog rock territory. I remember reading a while ago that Yellow & Green would turn off a lot of fans with it's change in their sound. It did too, with a bunch of comments online saying how much they "went soft" or "sold out" or whatever. Yeah, maybe they did go softer, but going softer is what they wanted to do, and they actually probably gained a lot more fans than they lost with making their music more accessible. Enough with the rambling, though. Let's get on with the review.

Yellow & Green still has elements of Baroness' style of sludge metal in it. Those oh so delicious, gain laden harmonized guitar leads are sprinkled throughout the album, and Baizley's signature voice can be heard booming out of our speakers, too. The one thing he's changed up though, is he's no longer bellowing and yelling so much as actually singing now. His voice is still powerful, but its a lot less harsh to listen to. The instrumentation is still thick and warm, with the guitars sounding smooth and beefy while the bass thumps away in the background. The drumming is as superb as ever on Yellow & Green. There's really not much to say about the overall sound of this album other than that it's "softer" and "thick and warm". Mr. Cannibal Spork, an album reviewer on YouTube gave probably the perfect description of the Yellow half, saying the album felt like a warm blanket on a cold day.

Green on the other hand, seems to take that warm blanket on a cold day and replace it with a cool breeze on a warm beach. Much more laid back than it's rocking sibling, Green seems to go for a more jangly and twangy sound. While some parts are heavier than others, the whole ride seems to be like floating in the ocean down the shoreline.

This is literally all that ran through my mind when I saw this picture.
There's not really anything I can objectively dismiss about Yellow & Green. The songwriting is tight, the musicianship is great, and the final product is in itself a complete package. They couldn't have released Yellow without Green or vice versa. Both had to come together simultaneously for this project to reach it's full potential. However, subjectively, I can find something I dislike in these albums. I was so heavily invested in Red and Blue (seriously, they're two of my favorite albums ever) that my mind was programmed to think that Baroness = sludge. Since I didn't hear the singles off of Yellow & Green until pretty much right before I heard the whole album, the big change in sound took me by surprise. Don't get me wrong, I really like this new direction Baroness have taken, I just miss the old sludgy stuff.

Bomb-Ass Tracks - Yellow

Take My Bones Away: The big, burly first single off of the album chugs forward with massive guitars, bass and drums and stays in your head for days with its ridiculously catchy vocals.

Little Things: This playful little tune (it's that God damn twisty guitar riff) is perfect to close your eyes and just melt away with. Once it hits the 4:26 mark though, it'll wake you the fuck up with some of Baizley's kickass riffs.

Eula: Just listen to this song and stare into an open flame. You won't regret it.

Bomb-Ass Tracks - Green

Board Up the House: Kicking off Green with this song (after the mandatory intro track "Green Theme"), This song definitely sounds like it could get some radio airplay on a rock station. When I hear this, memories of summer and care-free days come to mind.

Psalms Alive: Another summery song here. Is "stoner ska" a genre? Well, if it isn't, Baroness just invented it.

Stretchmarker: Muthafuckin' guitar-based instrumental songs. They get me every time.

On a Playlist With: Well... this is awkward. Just listen to Red Album, Blue Record, and Yellow & Green. In that order. Or in reverse order. Or just listen to Yellow & Green over and over again. Whatever.

Overall Score


Baroness win at music. Again. Pretty much, unless you're butthurt about Baroness changing their sound, Yellow & Green has lots to offer to any music fan. Listen to Yellow & Green yourself here, and let us know what you think!

That's all for now, folks.

all I wear is snapbacks

So, David convinced me to post here at this place thing with my writing expertise. Since I'm as bored as a duck I decided to make this introduction post.

I like science, video games, and music, so I essentially encompass this blog already, minus bacon, despite it being awesome, I'm trying to lose weight,so until I reach my goal: fuck you bacon.

Over the next 12 years I'll be posting here. More than likely I'll be making a series on how to not blow at playing Osu! (osu.ppy.sh), my favorite music game as well as many posts on why science hurts my head and other random things.

So while I think of a way to present all of this, I'll leave you with a random grocer-protip (#1 at that):
Buy some Parle-G cookies at FreshCo, they're on sale for 69 cents !
PLUS they add +2 to your gangster swag-status and incresease your representation on the west-syeeeeeeed.

When the thug life gets hard you get Parle-G.

That's Pretty Rad, Bro: Django Unchained

On my journey around the internets, I come across a lot of cool stuff. This column, That's Pretty Rad, Bro is that stuff.

I absolutely love Quentin Tarantino's films. He's definitely my favorite writer/director out there in the movie industry today. Out of all the Tarantino movies I've seen (which, sadly isn't all of them yet) they've all managed to keep me glued to the screen with their fantastic stories, beautiful cinematography and genius dialogue.

And Samuel L. Jackson being a bad motherfucker.
Naturally, I'm super fucking pumped for Tarantino's newest opus, Django Unchained, coming out this Christmas. You should be pumped too. Super fucking pumped, even. Not pumped yet?

Bam. Pumped.

This movie has a Hell of a lot to live up to after 2009's Inglourious Basterds (not to mention the rest of his filmography), but judging from the preview, I think it's going to be pretty fucking sweet.

So, how pumped are you for Django Unchained? What're your favorite Tarantino movies so far? Let me know, 'cause I always love talking Tarantino.

That's all for now, folks.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Update: New Name (again) and New Writer!

You might have noticed I changed this blog's title like, fifty million times the past week or so, and finally I've decided on "Needs More Noise Gate" as a title just cause, y'know. Djent and shit.

Also, a big announcement I have is that I have a co-writer now! Woo! 

Mr. Ross Kett of Nirym fame will be joining me on NMNG, and together we'll rule the internet.

That's all for now, folks!

That's Pretty Rad, Bro: Red Fang

On my journey around the internets, I come across a lot of cool stuff. This new column, That's Pretty Rad, Bro is that stuff.

For now, I present an awesome band: Red Fang!

Beards, rock 'n' roll, and fucking around. The music is pretty sweet too. Too bad they worship Pabst Blue Ribbon. D:

That's all for now, folks.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Album Review: The Faceless - "Planetary Duality"

Since announcements about the new Faceless album have been cropping up recently, I decided to give these California based tech-deather's last album a listen to see why everyone is jizzing their pants in anticipation over this new release.

"Plantery Duality" brings things to a whole new level of brutal.
The Faceless are a relatively new up and coming band, with only three albums over six years (including their upcoming 2012 release, Autotheism). I haven't heard a peep about Alkedama, their first release, but I've heard a bunch of praise and general cocksuckery towards Planetary Duality. Driven by Michael Keene, the lead guitarist/ clean vocalist/ songwriter/ lyricist, The Faceless bring a surprisingly cool angle to the mechanical and formulaic genre of technical death metal.

Don't get me wrong, Planetary Duality isn't much more than technical death metal, but it's enough more for me to want to listen through it more than a once. The basis is standard. Mega fast, mega triggered double bass drums, tremolo picked riffs out the ass and more sweeping than a broom convention. The bits I've got to point out here are the little extras that make this album stand out (albeit not by too much). A lot of the lead guitar through the songs have long, held out, slowly bent notes (especially the title track) that really give an old-school-alien-invasion-movie-soundtrack feel. Considering The Faceless' sci-fi theme with the lyrics and artwork, the guitar work fits perfectly here.

Another thing that steps up Planetary Duality's game are the little clean interludes thrown in every once in a  while. Whether its with clean guitar like in the forty-four second track titled "Shape Shifters" or the intro of "Legion of the Serpent" or the fantastic little organ and piano bridges in "Xenochrist" and "Legion of the Serpent" as well, these breaks from the albums relentless brutality are very much welcomed.

The last thing that this release offers are some of Michael Keene's clean vocals sprinkled over it. They aren't fantastic, but they switch things up, and you can tell he's putting in a solid effort, so you can't really complain.

Too much guitar wanking makes Death Metal Skrillex Michael Keene sad.

As awesome as all that is, this album isn't without it's pitfalls. The first thing that really rustled my jimmies are lead vocalist Derek Rydquist's higher register screams. I fell they lack any and all guts behind them and sound forced as all Hell. I'm sure some people like them, but they're just not for me. Another vocal issue are the vocoders used, specifically on the opening track "Prison Born". Just. No. Please. No.

Bomb-Ass Tracks

The Ancient Covenant: You all know how much I love bass solos.
Xenochrist: With that awesome piano intro/ bridge, and some pretty interesting songwriting and riffing, its no wonder why "Xenochrist" is one of their most popular songs. Also, that outro is just too good not to listen to over and over again.
Legion of the Serpent: Michael Keene gets that bitch neo-classical riffing. Bitches love neo-classical riffing.

On a Playlist With: Obscura, Decrepit Birth, (old) Cynic

Overall Score

Planetary Duality is a guitar driven tech-death album that shoots to be something head and shoulders above  the swathes of generic tech-death bands and gets close, but gets dragged back down by some sub-par vocals. I know they don't show up often, but when they do, I cringe. 2012's Autotheist has a new vocalist taking up the mic, so I'm interested in what Michael Keene and friends will bring out next.

That's all for now, folks.